


the light of the sun

by myrddinthewizard



Series: how to love a liar [8]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Episode: s04e04 Aithusa, M/M, arthur gives in to merlin, gwaine and lancelot being the co-captains of the merlin protection squad, i will forever be salty that aithusa never got her peace in canon, let's be real he needs merlin whether he likes it or not, merlin learning about himself and what to do, slowly but our baby boy is getting there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:27:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28755114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myrddinthewizard/pseuds/myrddinthewizard
Summary: “It is my duty to take care of her. And you’re right. I failed. And now I’m trying to make amends. She’s not safe with you, Morgana. She can’t even speak.”Morgana gave a bitter laugh. “And so what? You want to save her? Well, guess what, Emrys, she doesn’t need saving. Especially not from me. And not by you. Why do you want her anyway? You need another pet to help protect your precious king?”Merlin stalked forward, satisfied when Morgana took a stumbled step back. “I’m not doing this for Arthur. I’m doing this for Aithusa and for myself."(aka the aithusa reveal)
Relationships: Gwaine & Lancelot & Merlin (Merlin), and future technically bc merthur endgame, past Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: how to love a liar [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2058711
Comments: 38
Kudos: 174





	the light of the sun

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin  
> (read the series in order)
> 
> ~
> 
> note: s04e04 'Aithusa' takes place before Arthur knew that Merlin was a dragonlord (does this timeline make sense? no. but it's my story and the events are kind of mixed up so you just to deal with it)

> “ _A white dragon. is indeed a rare thing— and fitting. For in the dragon tongue, you named him after_ **_the light of the sun_** _. No dragon birth is without meaning. Sometimes the meaning is hard to see, but this time,_ _I_ _believe, it is clear. The white dragon bodes well for Albion, for you and Arthur, and for the land you will build together._ ” 
> 
> \- Kilgharrah to Merlin

“If you don’t shut your mouth, I’m not letting you see Kilgharrah.” Merlin snapped, sending Gwaine a sideways look.

Gwaine simply bounced on his toes and looked up to the sky for any sign of the dragon. “Have you seen it, Lance?”

Lancelot winced. “I have. It was not a pleasant experience. It’s humongous, Gwaine. You have no idea.”

A sudden harsh flapping filled the air and Gwaine gasped as the dragon flew into view. Its green-blue scales glimmered in the moonlight and its eyes were a molten gold, sending shivers down Gwaine’s spine. He was still getting used to the whole magic thing. Though, hearing Merlin call the dragon was definitely in his top five coolest things he’s ever seen.

The Great Dragon swiftly landed on the ground and lowered his head in respect. “Young Warlock.”

Merlin tilted his head. “Kilgharrah.”

Gwaine’s jaw dropped. “Is he bowing to you?”

“He’s a dragonlord, Gwaine.” Lancelot drawled, though his eyes were awed.

Kilgharrah tilted his head and studied the knights. “Nobility and Strength. What a pleasure to meet you.”

Merlin stepped forward, waving Gwaine away. “I need to talk to you.”

Gwaine grinned and slapped Lancelot’s shoulder. “He called me Strength. Lance, the Great Dragon called me Strength. I’m going to faint.”

Merlin ignored him and looked up. “Did you hear?”

“Hear what?”

A soft smile, bitter smile spread over Merlin’s face. “Arthur did it. He repealed the ban.”

“Well, congratulations, Merlin.” Kilgharrah rumbled.

“Not to me. I didn’t do anything. It was all Arthur. He was already planning on repealing the ban before he knew about me. And afterward, he took it upon himself to go visit the druids.” 

“That’s a bold move for Arthur Pendragon.” 

Merlin paused, looking down. He turned around to Gwaine and Lancelot, who were watching him almost curiously. “Could I talk to him alone?”

Gwaine opened his mouth to protest but Lancelot elbowed him in the ribs. “Yeah. We’ll wait by the edge of the clearing.”

Lancelot dragged Gwaine off, who turned around to give a small thumbs up that reassured Merlin more than he’d like to admit.

Merlin swallowed and turned back. “You said that my destiny was to guide Arthur to be the greatest king. But Arthur pushed me away and he did it on his own.”

“Merlin. Arthur didn’t do anything on his own. He may not have consulted you, but you were always there—”

“Why did you tell me to kill Morgana? To kill Mordred? All I achieved was turning them against me. All I did was make more enemies for myself.”

Kilgharrah’s eyes were unsympathetic and for the first time, Merlin realized that Kilgharrah might not have his best interests at heart. “All I have done for you was to help you succeed in your destiny, Merlin. The witch and the druid boy are nothing but distractions—”

“They were my friends. And I turned them away. You know, after Arthur repealed the ban, I spent hours trying to figure out what else is left for me. I came to Camelot for Arthur. I stayed for Arthur. But now, have I fulfilled my destiny?” Merlin cursed when his voice cracked.

“I don’t know, Merlin. Are you satisfied? Do you believe that Albion is united and the likes of you and I are free?”

Merlin shook his head. “It’s everything I’ve ever wanted. But it’s not enough. I’m free now. I can practice my magic without fear. I never have to hide again. I can be true to who I am. But what’s the point if I have no purpose? Arthur’s doing it on his own. He’s already written new laws and he’s changing them and he’s in the process of replacing half his court and what have I done?”

“You’ve done more than you realize. After all, it is you who encouraged and pushed and changed Arthur all these years. Magic may be free, Merlin, but you are not. Threats are still on the horizon. Threats that would see the downfall of the very kingdom you have worked so hard to build.”

Merlin clenched his fists. “Threats like Morgana. Like Mordred?”

“You should have killed them when you had the chance. They are more dangerous than you know.”

“They’re just like me.”

“You and the witch are as different—”

“—as day and night, I know. But day and night aren’t as different as you think. Morgana was alone. She was scared and uncertain and she might have gone down the wrong path but she had good intentions. I may have Gaius and you and my friends but I’m still alone. I’ve been hiding who I am for so long because you have drilled it into my head that my only purpose was my destiny and Arthur and I can never show anyone who I really am.”

“Merlin—”

“No. I don’t have to hide anymore. You made me turn away Morgana and Mordred and anyone who ever needed my help. And maybe that’s my purpose. I’ve spent so long worrying over Arthur and if he’s okay and if he’s going to be a good king that somewhere along the way I forgot who he was.” Merlin’s mind was whirling because suddenly he understood what Arthur was trying to say. Merlin might not have had his crown but he had the power. He was the one who was always behind him and giving him advice and urging him to do things that Arthur had never really done anything on his own. 

Merlin believed that he had shaped Arthur from the arrogant prince into something more but now it was Arthur’s turn to figure out what he believed without Merlin hovering over his shoulder.

_You already got me halfway there. Let me go the rest of the way on my own._

Merlin sucked in a breath and stumbled back. “Arthur is a great king. Maybe I helped him become that but he doesn’t realize how much he’s worth because I took that away from him. And after spending so many years running after Arthur, I never found out my own worth because I had so many people around me telling me what to do and how to think and there was a point in time that I genuinely considered killing a child to save Arthur.”

Kilgarrah let out a harsh sigh. “I’ve only ever done what was best for you—”

“No. You’ve always done what was best for yourself. You got me to cut your chains in the cave and now you tried to get me to get Arthur to be on the throne because you knew that was the only way you could roam free. You never wanted what was best for me.”

“The druid boy is prophesied to kill your precious king. Do you really want that on your shoulders when it inevitably happens?”

Merlin scoffed. “I don’t give a shit about the future. I care about it now. And right now I know that Mordred is out there planning Arthur’s death and that’s only because I turned him away in the first place. I caused this. And it’s my duty to fix it. Not because it’s endangering Arthur’s life, but because he’s like me. They’re all like me and they never deserved what they got. I abandoned them. Just like I abandoned the druids and Aithusa. I never should have asked you to look after her. Aithusa was my responsibility. And I failed her. And now she’s with Morgana, who coincidentally, was also someone I failed.”

“Morgana betrayed you. Not the other way around. You can think what you’d like of me, Merlin, but—”

“No. I’m done listening to you. I don’t want to hear it. You’re free now. Camelot is an open kingdom and now you can roam wherever you please. That’s what you wanted right? Then go. You’ve helped me more times than I can admit, and I thank you, but I’m done with that. I’m done with you.” Merlin said, trying to keep his voice steady. “I’m always here. And I’m still a dragonlord. But I can’t— I won’t fall into the same trap. I have to figure this out on my own.”

Kilgharrah was silent, watching Merlin with molten eyes. “I’m your only family, Merlin. I would think twice about abandoning me. We could do great things together.”

Merlin backed up. “No. I will do great things. And I don’t need _you_ to do it.”

Kilgharrah lowered his head. “If that is what you wish, then I cannot stop you.” He turned to leave but Merlin called out again.

“If you hurt anyone I love, I will kill you. You may be free, but I am still a dragonlord. And you’re still at my mercy. Don’t be foolish, Kilgharrah.”

Kilgharrah simply laughed. “At least my chains are gone, Merlin. For it seems that you're still trapped in your own.” And he was gone, taking to the sky.

* * *

Arthur drummed his fingers against the arm of his throne, bored out of his mind. The court members were arguing and Arthur had lost track of the conversation nearly an hour ago. 

Usually, Arthur would glance over at Merlin, who would give him a cheeky grin. Arthur would raise an eyebrow and hold up his goblet for Merlin to refill. Merlin would, naturally, spill half the drink over Arthur and sputter out apologies that Arthur knew he didn’t mean. Arthur would tell the court to move on without him and then drag Merlin out. Merlin would break into laughter the moment they escaped and Arthur would roll his eyes but secretly be glad because he would give anything to escape the court meeting. They would escape to Arthur chambers and Merlin would push Arthur up against the wall and—

“Your Majesty?”

Arthur started at Leon’s voice, sitting up. “Yes?”

Leon gave him a worried look. “We were wondering which taxing process you think would be more efficient. It’s up to you to make the final decision.”

Arthur nodded. “Yes. I think we should move forward with Sir Leon’s idea. It’ll be effective by tonight. Is that all we had planned?”

“Yes, Sire.”

“Alright. Don’t forget about the meeting tomorrow morning. We have to come up with an official draft for the legalization of magic. People have already started questioning it and we can’t have them doubting me. Court Dismissed.” 

The court quickly packed up and left, leaving Arthur with his closest knights. The moment the door closed, Arthur dropped his head back, groaning. “You’ll fill me in on what the plan is later, yes?”

Leon’s lips twitched. “Of course.”

Elyan sat forward. “I’ve actually got to run, Arthur. Percival and I promised to help out some travelers in the lower town.”

“Speaking of, I have to go too.” Leon leaned forward.

Arthur raised an eyebrow. “Where do you have to go?”

Leon shot a glance to Lancelot and Gwaine, who were resolutely looking anywhere but Arthur. “Um, I’m meeting someone.”

Arthur raised an eyebrow. “You’re...meeting someone?”

Leon stared back at Arthur for a while before he broke. “No, Lancelot and Gwaine cornered me outside and told me to leave once the meeting was over.”

Gwaine groaned. “Leon.”

“I can’t lie to him, okay?” Leon pushed back. “Good luck, Sire. I have to escape whatever tension is here.”

Without another word, Leon disappeared after Elyan and Percival, leaving Arthur alone with Gwaine and Lancelot. Fun.

Neither of them spoke up, simply leaving the room in awkward silence.

Arthur was just about to escape when Lancelot leaned forward. “We wanted to talk to you.”

“About what?” Arthur knew exactly what but he prayed that it was about the taxes nonetheless.

“Merlin, your Highness. We need to talk about Merlin.” Gwaine sat forward, drilling holes into Arthur’s skull.

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Arthur, he’s gone.”

Arthur froze, his blood running cold. “What?”

Lancelot’s expression was nearly sympathetic. “He left Camelot last night. I thought you would notice but apparently not.”

“What do you mean he left? Is he coming back? He never told me—”

“Oh, I wonder why, Arthur. You’re the one who pushed him away. He doesn’t owe you anything. He doesn’t need to tell you where he is.” Gwaine snapped.

“And he told you.”

“Because we accepted him and didn’t push him away as you did.”

Arthur gripped the table. “I did accept him. I fucking legalized magic for him—”

Lancelot furrowed his eyebrows. “You did it for him? I thought you were planning on it before you knew.”

Arthur sputtered. “What? No, I did. I was just—”

Gwaine snorted. “All that talk of wanting to accomplish things on your own and Merlin did this too.”

“He didn’t do anything. I’m the one who legalized magic.”

“And yet it was Merlin who pushed you along to do it.”

Arthur grit his teeth. “He—”

“Arthur.” Lancelot met his gaze. “Just because Merlin helps you or guides you to do something, doesn’t make you worth any less. You have advisors all around you. And yes, there are some questionable things that Merlin did but he didn’t legalize magic. You did. Merlin would have pushed you to the ends of the earth but if you didn’t truly believe it, you never would’ve legalized magic. Wasn’t it you who took the initiative to go to the druids in the first place?”

“But—”

“Just because someone helps you on your journey, doesn’t mean that it’s their accomplishments. It’s still yours.” Lancelot's voice had gone soft and pleading.

Gwaine spoke up. “Look, the whole point of this destiny thing was that you both do it together. You work together. It means that you’re both worth something and you both accomplished it. It’s not black and white.”

Arthur clenched his teeth. “Where did Merlin go?”

“If there’s one thing I agree about the way you handled the situation, which was very poor by the way, was that you told Merlin to let you go. And really, Merlin’s entire life has revolved around you. And it wasn’t healthy. I knew that but I never did anything to really help him. The best we can do for him is to let him figure himself out,” Lancelot said.

“Since when did you know? Did Merlin tell you everything?”

Gwaine and Lancelot exchanged looks. Gwaine spoke first. “I found out a couple of days after you. Merlin was miserable and had gotten drunk and spilled his secret. I don’t know everything but that’s alright.”

Arthur glanced over at Lancelot. “And you were there too?”

Lancelot cleared his throat, looking away. “Um, I wasn’t. I actually found out the first time I came to Camelot.”

Arthur blinked. “What?”

“It was an accident.” Lancelot rushed to explain. “He defeated the griffin, not me. And I caught him doing it. He wasn’t subtle. But um, I know most of everything.”

Arthur swallowed. “Right.”

“Look, Merlin’s okay. He’s finally out there and finding his purpose. And I think that that’s the best thing he can do. We’re just here to say that once he comes back, and he will eventually, you need to make amends. It doesn’t have to go back to how it was before but you both are breaking and you need each other.” Lancelot pushed away, standing up.

Gwaine was still sitting, staring at Arthur. After a moment, he got up as well and made his way over to Arthur, who quickly stood up as well. Arthur tilted his chin up and refused to waive under his stare. “I promised Merlin that I wouldn’t hurt you. But if you don’t go and make things right, that I will beat the living crap out of you. King or not.”

Arthur could feel a sudden lump in his throat. “I can’t trust him, Gwaine.”

“No one is asking you to. You don’t have to go that far right now. But it’s Merlin. And whatever he’s done, he’s done for you. And if you don’t recognize that, then maybe Merlin was wrong. You really aren’t worth it.”

Without another word, Gwaine stormed past Lancelot and left. Lancelot paused at the door, looking back. “He’s angry. We’re just asking you to reconsider what you’re doing to Merlin. He’s pushing us away and now he’s pushing you away too. If you wait too long, you might be too late. And if that happens then, you know what Gwaine said.”

Lancelot left, shutting the door firmly behind him. Arthur collapsed back into his chair, rubbing his face harshly. He wanted Merlin back more than anything but he couldn’t help the fear that curled in his stomach at that. His mind kept going back to their argument in the woods and how Merlin had broken down, rambling out his failures. It broke Arthur’s heart to think about. 

Arthur looked out the windows and down to the citadel. 

_Whatever he’s done, he’s done for you. And if you don’t recognize that, then maybe Merlin was wrong. You really aren’t worth it._

Arthur blinked away sudden tears and pressed his fist to his mouth. He didn’t know what he was doing. Then again, he never did when Merlin wasn’t there.

* * *

Merlin ran his hand over the runes of the outside wall of the abandoned castle. Well, it used to be abandoned but now, it was occupied by someone Merlin really wasn’t in the mood to meet. From outside, the place looked empty. No guards, no people, no nothing. But Merlin knew better. He pulled up his hood, cursing the fact that he was in his eighty-year-old body, and slipped through the entrance.

It was easy enough to silently magic his way through the castle. He stopped outside the throne room doors, where he could feel the magic pulsing within. Flexing his fingers, he didn’t hesitate to throw open the doors. It was freeing in a way. Usually, he had to hide in the shadows and wait till the last minute but to be able to storm inside, his chin held high, with no hesitation sent adrenaline flooding his veins. 

With a jerk of his head, he knocked out all the guards and slammed the door shut, leaving him alone with the woman on the throne. “Morgana.”

Morgana froze, her knuckles turning white from where it was gripping the arm of the throne. “Emrys.”

Her voice trembled ever-so-slightly and Merlin’s heart nearly broke at the fear that sparked in her eyes. He strode forward, letting his hood fall down. “It’s been a while. Unfortunately, I’m not here for you. Not yet, at least. I have more concerning matters.”

Morgana raised her eyebrow, calm, but Merlin could see the tension in her shoulders. “Oh? It’s a shame. I was hoping to get you out of the way this time.”

“Did you? Sorry, I thought it was me who won last time. And the time before that. Your chances get narrow by the day, Morgana.” The words felt bitter on Merlin’s tongue but he pushed them out. “Nevertheless, I’m not here for you. Where’s Aithusa?”

Morgana stood up gracefully. “Aithusa? My dragon?”

“She’s not yours, Morgana. She belongs to the earth and to magic.”

“If that’s the case, then she’s not yours either.” 

Merlin took another step forward. “I don’t know if it escaped your notice, Morgana, but I am magic. And I am the last dragonlord. It is my duty to take care of one of the last dragons. Where is she?”

Morgana let out a laugh. “The last dragonlord? My father killed the dragonlords. There are none left.”

“And yet, here I am. Alive and well. I won’t ask again. I’m the one who brought her to life. I’m the one who named her.”

“And so she belongs to you? You abandoned her, Emrys. You left her to rot.” Morgana snarled. “I’m taking care of her.”

“Taking care of her? She’s crippled, Morgana. She was trapped in a pit with you for years and now she’s twisted and hurt.”

“I healed her. Just as she healed me. You’re right. The dragon belongs to no one. But she chose her loyalties. Are you going to take her away from that?”

Merlin swallowed the lump in his throat. “It is my duty to take care of her. And you’re right. I failed. And now I’m trying to make amends. She’s not safe with you, Morgana. She can’t even speak.”

Morgana gave a bitter laugh. “And so what? You want to save her? Well, guess what, Emrys, she doesn’t need saving. Especially not from me. And not by you. Why do you want her anyway? You need another pet to help protect your precious king?”

Merlin stalked forward, satisfied when Morgana took a stumbled step back. “I’m not doing this for Arthur. I’m doing this for Aithusa and for myself. I don’t know what type of bond you have with her, but she needs somewhere safe to grow up and heal. And she can’t do that in the middle of a battlefield.” 

Morgana stared back at Merlin for a moment before calling. “Aithusa.”

Merlin looked over to see Aithusa limp into the throne room. Morgana cooed softly and petted the dragon. Disgust rose in his throat.

“What are you doing?”

Morgana glanced up, her eyes defiant. “You can’t have her.”

Merlin scoffed all the guilt of stealing Aithusa away draining. “She’s a dragon. She deserves to roam free, not to be locked up in a castle.”

Merlins stepped towards her but Morgana was faster, throwing out a hand and yelling a spell that threw Merlin against a pillar. “Stay away from her.”

Merlin staggered to his feet. “I was hoping to do this peacefully but you want to fight dirty? I can fight dirty.”

Merlin’s eyes flooded gold and even without a spell, Morgana flew back, crashing into the wall. Aithusa roared, whirling on Merlin.

“ _Nun de ge dei s'eikein kai emois epe'essin hepesthai.”_ Merlin snarled, reaching up a hand to block Aithusa’s flames. She backed off at his words.

Morgana pushed herself up but Merlin was so done with this. He was tired of trying to show mercy and hold back and have people underestimating. So he growled out a spell and pinned Morgana to the ground. 

Merlin inched forward and smoothed a hand over Aithusa’s scales. “Oh, you poor thing.”

Morgana struggled to get herself back up. Merlin looked over at her. “I’m sorry. I know you two are close but Aithusa’s hurt and you’re too busy trying to plot the downfall of Camelot to care. I failed her before, I won’t fail her again.”

“You can’t do this. Aithusa!”

The dragon glanced up, seemingly torn between obeying her friend and obeying her lord. But at the end of the day, it wasn’t a choice. 

Morgana snarled. “She’s all I have left. You can’t take her away.”

Merlin unchained her claws and let her flex her wings. “She all you have left because you pushed everyone else away. It’s not too late to make things right, Morgana. Aithusa wasn’t the only one I failed. I’m not giving up on you. I’ll never give up on you. Surrender and maybe you can see Aithusa again. Did you hear about the law changes back in Camelot? You could be free.”

“Law changes? You’re lying. If you weren’t such a coward you would show your real face rather than hide.” Morgana snapped, though her face went ashen at Merlin’s words.

“I am a coward, Morgana. Maybe one day I’ll find the courage to give you what you deserve. But right now, my only priority is making sure that Aithusa’s okay. I am sorry, Morgana.” Merlin whispered. And without another word, he muttered a spell, and the castle melted away.

* * *

Three days. Merlin had been gone for three days and Arthur was losing his mind. Before at least he knew that Merlin was safe but now, he could be anywhere and Arthur was increasingly regretting his stupid decisions.

After Gwen had bothered him for hours, Arthur finally left his chambers to go out on a hunt. Arthur had insisted on going alone— usually, he would go with Merlin— and thankfully, no one stopped him. 

A sudden screech filled the air and Arthur froze. That was definitely not a deer. Arthur turned around and followed it. It seemed to have come from far away and sounded like a wyvern. Which was not a good thing. After a couple of minutes, Arthur had lost his directions and was going to turn back when the sound echoed again, this time coming from the left. 

Arthur urged his horse forward and after riding carefully for some time, he caught sight of something large and white through the branches. Arthur dismounted and grabbed his crossbow, creeping carefully. Sucking in a breath, he broke the bushes. There was a sudden yell and then fire consumed his vision. Arthur dropped his bow, staggering back. He wracked with coughs and tried not to breathe through his nose.

“Shit. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to— Arthur?”

Arthur turned around, trying to get clean air into his lungs. He glanced back to find Merlin stand up, gold fading from his eyes. A large, white creature was curled at his feet and puffed out smoke.

Arthur glanced from the creature to Merlin and back, his mind racing. “Merlin? What the hell are you doing?”

“What am I doing? Why are you even here? You never hunt on this side of the woods.”

“And that’s reason enough to be doing magic here? Anyone could come and see you!” Arthur yelled.

“But…magic’s legal now, right? Did you change your mind? Because if you did—”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I didn’t change my mind. It’s dangerous to do things like this. Not everyone is okay with the law change. You could’ve gotten hurt!”

“I can defend myself, Arthur,” Merlin muttered, crouched back down over the creature.

Arthur took a step back as the creature raised its head to look at him, it’s ice blue eyes piercing into him. “What the hell is that?”

Merlin winced, guiding the creature back to the ground. “This is Aithusa. She’s a dragon.”

Arthur blinked and rubbed a harsh hand over his face. “Oh my fucking god. I’m sorry what? There’s only one dragon alive. Where the hell did you get this one?”

“Can you please calm down? You’re agitating her.” Merlin shot him a look.

“Merlin,” Arthur warned. “Where did you get the dragon from?”

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business, Arthur. Get back to your hunting, okay? She’s harmless.” Merlin smoothed a hand over Aithusa’s head.

Arthur crept forward and knelt down beside Merlin. Her white scales seemed to glitter in the sunlight. She was beautiful.

“You think so?” Merlin asked.

Arthur jumped. Did he say that out loud? “She is. I’m not going to hurt her if that’s what you're worried about. I thought I made that clear.”

“Technically, you freed magic, not dragons.”

“Yes, but technically, dragons are magic so that’s some stupid logic.” Arthur retorted, carefully reaching out a hand to touch Aithusa. Her scales were cool to the touch. When he looked back up, Merlin was watching him curiously. Arthur snatched his hand back. “You never answered my question.”

Merlin’s throat bobbed nervously. “Do you remember the tomb of Ashkanar? It was where a dragon egg was hidden for thousands of years.”

Arthur gave him a sideways look. “I do. But the tower collapsed with the man who was trying to get the egg. The egg was destroyed.”

Merlin winced slightly. “Well, not exactly. Borden poisoned our food so you didn’t wake up. I didn’t have any because you all hogged the food so really, it serves you right. I cured you all and ran to Borden to get the egg.”

Arthur pulled back. “We were poisoned? And you healed us?”

Merlin shrugged. “Why wouldn’t I? It wasn’t hard.”

“So you stole the egg.”

Merlin sighed softly, running a hand over Aithua’s crippled wings. “I’m a dragonlord, Arthur. I couldn't allow you to destroy it.”

Arthur moved back. “Of course.”

“Don’t do that.”

“No, you’re right. I obviously wasn’t trustworthy enough.” Arthur muttered and moved to stand up.

Merlin stood up and approached Arthur. “It wasn’t you. I was being a coward. I still am.”

“Did you genuinely think that I would kill you?” Arthur cursed when his voice trembled slightly. “That I could take out my sword and murder you in cold blood?”

Merlin huffed out a breath, looking away. “I— It wasn’t so much that I thought you would kill me, I just—”

“I’m trying to understand because you say that you love me but if you believe that I could ever hurt you or send you away, then is that really love?”

Merlin searched his eyes for a moment before he stepped forward and engulfed him in a hug. Arthur stiffened beneath the touch but Merlin only squeezed tighter. His chin settled in the dip of Arthur's neck, his breath hot against his ear. 

“You can doubt my trust and you can doubt my loyalty but I draw the line at you doubting my love.” Merlin pulled back, carefully cupping Arthur’s face in his hands. “I love you.”

Arthur shook his head. “This isn’t love. Love isn’t dedicating your entire life to someone you believe would kill you if they knew who you really were. That isn’t love, Merlin.”

“I’ve made mistakes. Maybe I revolve my life around you too much but I’m learning. I’m changing and finding my own purpose.”

“And I’m so proud of you. But every day I hear about more things you’ve done and how you’ve done everything for me and it makes me wonder if you’ve ever done anything for yourself.” Arthur whispered, bringing his hands up to carefully card through his hair.

“It’s hard. Aithusa was with Morgana. I took her back and it was thrilling in a way. Aithusa was my responsibility and I took her back because it was the right thing to do and it gave me peace.”

Arthur furrowed his eyebrows. “Morgana knows? Or did you go there as Dragoon the Great?”

Merlin jerked back. “How do you know that?”

A small smile spread over Arthur’s face. “Gaius told me. I only asked because the druids told me about my immortal warlock protector named Emrys.”

“Oh. I—”

“Don’t apologize. I’m sick and tired of apologies. It’s okay. We’ll talk about it later.”

Merlin looked up hesitantly. “Later?”

Arthur sucked in a breath. His mind seemed to be warring with itself and Arthur genuinely didn’t know what to do. But he knew one thing. Merlin had to be in his life. As a stranger or a friend or more. “You do need to find a place for your dragon. I think she fell asleep.”

Merlin snorted softly, looking at Aithusa. “She’s tired. And so young.”

Arthur picked up his crossbow and whistled for his horse. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I know that I love you but I don’t trust you. I need you in my life but I can’t— I won’t—” Arthur stammered over his words. “Just come back home. Pushing you away isn’t doing any good. It was nice to get some time away from you and understand what I was feeling but let’s be honest, I’m a complete mess without you.”

Merlin moved forward. “I can be your servant again?”

‘No. Absolutely not.” Arthur said, ignoring the twinge in his heart when Merlin’s face fell. “You need to figure out what to do with your dragon, preferably not in the middle of the woods like an idiot.”

Arthur packed up his stuff and paused with one hand on his horse. “I’m sorry. For everything. I’m not pushing you away but not I’m pulling you close either. It’s not forever. I think that you need it too. I would like to be friends. To get to know each other again. In a more healthy way.”

Merlin’s eyes shone with unshed tears. “Really? Are you sure?”

“Don’t feel like you can’t talk to me. Because you can. I just don’t want to lose you.” Arthur whispered. “I’ll see you back home?”

“Yeah. You— you can talk to me too, you know. I know that—”

Arthur waved him off. “No, I can’t. I hope with all my heart that one day I will. Just, don’t let me down. And I’ll try not to let you down.”

Merlin nodded. “Right. You could never let me down.”

Arthur’s lips twitched as he mounted his horse. “That’s not comforting, Merlin.” And he rode off before Merlin could reply.

Merlin watched as Arthur disappeared. He let out a breath and collapsed against the ground. “Do you hear that, Aithusa? We’re going to be friends again.”

Aithusa whimpered and Merlin whispered a spell to calm her. “Come on. I need to take care of you first.”

They continued through the forest and Merlin let out a low breath. 

It wasn’t by any means what Merlin wanted from Arthur. But it was a start. Arthur would get to know him again. The real him. He would regain Arthur’s trust. And maybe, just maybe, things would turn out alright.

_\--0-o-0--_

**Author's Note:**

> oop we getting somewhere!! 
> 
> note: i made aithusa's pronouns she/her since they don't actually clarify and I've read fanfic's when many different versions so this is just what i think
> 
> another note: at this point, mordred left camelot after kara died and is going to betray him but he hasn't yet gone to morgana
> 
> another other note: lancelot never died bc i don't want him too and it's my story
> 
> long story short: the timeline is kind of messed up but hopefully it isn't too confusing.


End file.
